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Bugs: Stupid Dummies
Stupid bugs. They think they're so much better than us. Always lording their six legs and their wings and their thoraxes over us.What gives them the right to crawl on my dirt, and fly through my air?...
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RIAA Enforcers Take Down Unauthorized Christmas Cyclist
Enforcement agents from the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) put a sudden and decisive stop to a flagrant violation of intellectual property rights in the Bothell area on Tuesday.The...
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WILL IT NEVER END?!?
As brutally low temperatures and relentless treacherous snowfall beat down on the Puget Sound for the sixth consecutive day Thursday, weather soothsayers prophesied a sustained assault on the Northwest...
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Seattle’s Most Cherished Christmas Traditions
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Contract Breached, State Republicans Sue Cloud Seeders
Washington State Republicans filed suit in Superior Court Monday against an advanced weather-control laboratory, alleging that the cloud-seeders' promised snow storm arrived in western Washington...
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Frozen Zune 30GB: Live Webcam
Every 30GB Zune on the planet broke down this morning in a massive worldwide software freeze. Even here at The Naked Loon we were affected. In order to provide continuing, up-to-the-minute coverage of...
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Nickels: Seattle #1 Bestest City in Universe
Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels' extended his recent streak of secreting pure, unfiltered awesomeness on Wednesday by officially declaring Seattle as the "Number One Bestest City in the Entire Universe—For...
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Burris Reid Smackdown Tops Cable Rankings
Illinois' incoming junior senator Roland Burris' no holds barred brawl with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid drew over one hundred and eighty million viewers Wednesday, with political beatdown...
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Hearst Chairman Eyes P-I HQ as Personal Residence
Friday's news that the Hearst Corporation will cease all printing operations at the Seattle P-I if a buyer for the paper is not found within 60 days shocked journalism enthusiasts across the Puget...
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How To: Avoid Layoff-pocalypse Victimization
With something like eleven out of every ten companies in the Seattle area laying people off these days, it's probably about time for those of you who still have a job to plan your layoff apocalypse...
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Stop Whining and Start Visualizing
You know what? I have had it with all the gloomy, depressing talk about the economy. I think it is time for us to stop whining, get off our butts, and do something about this mess we find ourselves...
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TOTALLY JUSTIFIED OBAMA OVERLOAD!!!!!!
Today at noon Eastern, in a magnificent ceremony overflowing with more majesty and splendor than a human mind is capable of comprehending, President-elect Barack Obama will be sworn in as the...
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The Naked Loon Reviews: Sitting at Home Alone
Every week, tens of thousands of Seattleites find themselves facing a familiar situation: the weekend is fast-approaching, and they have absolutely no plans due to an unfortunate combination of social...
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Discovery of Twitter Gives Bellevue Man False Sense of Technological Prowess
BELLEVUE, WA — 38-year-old Joe Millar of Bellevue experienced a satisfying surge of adrenaline Friday upon his discovery of Twitter, the so-called "micro-blogging" internet service founded in March...
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City of Kirkland Outlaws Layoffs
In a decisive and timely move during an emergency special session Saturday night, the Kirkland city council voted unanimously to pass Ordinance 4188, which prohibits any further layoffs at any company...
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United Nations Resolution Declares End of Financial Crisis
At the conclusion of a specially-convened 48-hour summit this weekend, the United Nations narrowly passed a resolution declaring an official end to the worldwide economic crisis.The resolution states...
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Seattle’s Top Recession-Proof Careers
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New Street Balloons Just the Marketing Gimmick These Overpriced Homes Need
After having houses languish unsold on the market for over a year, the marketer of Grove Cypress, a 15-home development in south Snohomish County, has discovered the key to finding buyers for the...
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Question the Kostyra: Handling an Overbearing Mother?
Today The Naked Loon is proud to introduce our very own advice column "Question the Kostyra," in which Naked Loon Living Editor Martha Kostyra will answer your questions about life, relationships, and...
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Oppressive Tax on Loathed Minority Set for Easy Passage
Facing an unprecedented $9 billion budget shortfall, legislators in Olympia are scrambling to find new sources of revenue to sustain the drunken spending spree of the past four years.Now thanks to some...
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Robot Mariners Extend Perfect Record in 23,145 to 6 Victory Over Sheep-Clone...
In his 6,523rd career game, EDGARTRON-3000 led the Robot Mariners to their landmark 65,536th consecutive win Friday night against the Los Angeles Sheep-Clone Angels.As usual, the team scored precisely...
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Seattle Prepares for Electoral Apocalypse
On the eve of the big election day, political enthusiasts throughout the Seattle area are hunkering down to prepare for the inevitably nasty post-election fallout.The 2008 presidential election, like...
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Boeing Engineer Bests Personal Castle Defense Record
As striking machinists returned to work on Monday, Renton-based Boeing engineer Mark Waring took a celebratory day off, to reward himself for achieving a major life goal: finally reaching level 50 in...
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Point-Counterpoint: Obama is the Christ vs. Barack Hussein Obama is the...
Obama is the ChristCongratulations America. You finally did something right. You elected Barack Obama—the embodiment of all that is good and virtuous—as our great nation's president.Barack Hussein...
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Prepare for the Floods Without Sacrificing Style
With a flood watch in effect Thursday night for most of the Puget Sound, it is important to prepare your home to weather the storm. But don't be fooled, preparing for the onslaught of fall and winter...
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TV Networks Capitalize on Economic Despair
Reacting to the continually worsening economic situation, television networks have unveiled dozens of new recession-themed shows that will replace struggling series mid-season.Among the new entries to...
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Top Entertainment Choices For Disaffected Sonics Fans
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Reichert Collapses into Twitching Convulsions
Eighth District Representative Dave Reichert was hospitalized Monday, as the increasingly heavy burden of being the sole Republican hope in the Seattle area finally became too much to bear.The stunning...
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Fannie, Freddie Boost Efforts to Minimize Responsibility
Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the walking-dead government-owned mortgage-finance companies, announced Tuesday that they will accelerate their anti-responsibility efforts with a new accountability...
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Starbucks to Beg, Plead, and Drug Customers
Following a dismal fourth quarter report which saw profit tumble by 97 percent, Starbucks has announced a bold, multi-faceted plan to reposition itself in the harsh economy through a combination of...
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Local Flooding Bewilders Weather Scientists
As flood waters began to recede Thursday on the Snoqualmie and Tolt rivers in east King County, baffled scientists are attempting to understand the strange unpredictable phenomenon that caused hundreds...
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Seattleites Beg City Council for Additional Taxes, Fees
In the wake of historic prosperity and financial abundance, residents of Seattle are begging, pleading, and petitioning the city council for massive hikes in taxes and fees. In response to the...
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What Are We Waiting For, Let’s Kick Off 2012 Already!
Is it just me, or is it boring in here? I mean, ever since Election Day, life has been so... bland.It's almost like nobody even cares anymore about how evil the Republicans are. Where are the heated...
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Brutally Beat the Winter Doldrums. To Death.
Ahh, winter. That glorious season of 8-hour daylight, bitterly cold nights, endless rain, and obligated time spent tolerating relatives. What's not to love about it?Of course, there are some people who...
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The Naked Loon Reviews: New Xbox Experience
After months of hype and non-stop gamer salivation, Redmond-based software giant and Puget Sound economic savior Microsoft released their New Xbox Experience (NXE) Wednesday.Inquiring minds want to...
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Bush Extends WA Budget Deficit to $5 Billion
As one of his final acts in office, President George Bush signed an executive order earlier this week, expanding Washington State's already crippling $3.2 billion projected budget deficit to a...
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Jesus Reportedly Primarily Interested in Granting Followers the Easy Life
According to a series of recent radio ads, Jesus Christ—Lord and Savior of all mankind who died on the cross for our sins and was raised again on the third day—is primarily interested in granting His...
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Obama Urges Congress to “Spend like there’s no tomorrow, because if you...
Citing an "economic booby trap of elephantine proportions," President-elect Barack Obama urged Congress yesterday to pass yet another costly and ultimately ineffective "stimulus" bill as quickly as...
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Bizarre Weather System to Slam Washington this Winter
Meteorologists at the University of Washington issued a warning to Pacific Northwest residents Wednesday for an extreme weather system this winter."We have recently weathered both El Niño and her...
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Burien Emo Still Recovering from Awful Thanksgiving
Nearly one week after attending a big family get-together in the Portland area, 20-year-old Burien emo Nathan Peters is reportedly only halfway through the process of emotional detox."It's just so much...
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Disney Launches Naughty Toddlers Scared Straight Service
In a press release Thursday, The Walt Disney Company announced the launch of a new "scared straight" service for naughty toddlers that will debut in seven markets across the country, including...
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Get the Jump on Winter Blubber
Thanksgiving just happened again and no doubt there are several Puget Soundians out there that have moved to the "winter" belt already.Well fear not dear readers, for with the help of the ever-vigilant...
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